dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just pee around me
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize