WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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