My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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