You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
