just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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