You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
