just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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