glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
