Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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