god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I cannot find my penis.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Randomize
