I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
