At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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