I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
