I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
