I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
