just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and she was petting her beer can
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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