whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
