There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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