i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
