Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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