She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i've created a new STD.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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