No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
