fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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