How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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