he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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