allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
