How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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