So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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