...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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