If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
