your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
