Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
