Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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