It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
