I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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