the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
