I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize