i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
