My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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