Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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