I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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