A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
