I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize