I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
