My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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