Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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