I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
