I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
