I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
