Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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