none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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