dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
