Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
sex in a hospital.. check
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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