He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
