youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
