it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
