I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
