All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
