I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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