he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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